"As important as the answer for which we wait is the work God does while we wait."
A dear friend posted this quote on her Facebook page a couple of months ago. It was one of those things that hit me right between the eyes and has stayed there. This blog post has been forming in my mind for several weeks now, so bear with me as I attempt to get the jumbled thoughts out.
This "desert" time that Paul and I are in just seems to be going on...forever!!! It has been seven months since he lost his job, about five and a half months since my dad and grandfather passed away, and three months since my hand surgery. I used to tell myself that I have gone through far worse times. Suck it up, girl! After all, I survived being a full time working single mom of four children under the age of seven! I lived for over two years averaging 8 hours of sleep per weekend. What could be harder than that??
Grief. Grief is harder than being a single mom! Paul and I have suffered many losses in the last 7 months. I lost my dad and grandpa, and that is a huge grief to work through. I never really knew just how monumental the death of a parent really is in your life. The grief comes in waves. I am ok for a time, then way not! I recently went through a few weeks of horrible nightmares where I would wake up completely reliving the final horrible hours of dad's life. It was so real. The mind is an amazing thing!! The sounds were deafening, the smells sickening. I could clearly see all the monitors and his vital sign numbers plummeting I could clearly read his EKG monitor reading "unknown heart rhythm." The way dad felt to my touch. The moment he died. The way he looked after he died. I relived conversations with the medical team. All of this would happen in my dreams. I would startle awake and be left staring in the darkness. Then the guilt set in. Guilt of not fighting hard enough to make his passing easier on him. Guilt for not trying harder to have a deeper relationship with him. Guilt for not making a better effort to visit him through the years or that my children really did not know him other than to recognize his picture. Guilt over not caring enough about his military career while he was alive to find out details. He is gone forever, and time can never be recovered. My heart was just. so. sad! Then, a couple of weeks ago, the dam broke. The tears came hard and long. I don't think I have cried that hard since the day I got divorced. A few days later, I was able to talk to a friend that lost her husband last year, and the real healing began. She ever so gently brought my thinking back into balance. The guilt began to fade and I have not had any more nightmares since then! I can't say that I will not still have bad days. I did just yesterday. I walked by a table and saw dad's military medals in a basket. I instantly began to tear up and just held them for a few minutes.
The loss of my dad is only one grief that we have endured. The title of this post is about the work of waiting! Our life right now has been such a state of holding, treading water to keep our heads afloat. When Paul lost his job, it was devastating One of the things my friend told me about grieving my dad is that it is ok to grieve. I know that seems a silly thing, but in my brain, to grieve over a loss is to question God's authority. After all, God has a perfect plan for our lives, and who am I to question His hand?? Oh, how wrong that thinking is!!!
I started to translate this grief process to the other losses in our life. I allowed the tears to come, I mean really come. I poured out my heart to God about how great our needs are right now. The two "big" financial resources that we have depended on these last seven months are gone. The big picture seems so bleak. By all human logic, we are doomed. However, it seems everywhere I turn, I keep running into a "thankfulness" theme. So I have been making a huge effort to be thankful and to NOT worry about tomorrow!!! I began really reflecting on all the small blessings that have happened through the last few months. I also began praying for specific needs that we have, not just "Please give Paul a job and help us and meet our many needs." I was looking at the big picture. That is so bleak. But when I took the time to examine the details of our life, there are rays of sunshine everywhere!!! We came home from the winter retreat to a card from some friends back in IL. They had included a financial gift. Paul needed work shoes desperately. I prayed specifically about this need. Two days later, he got an email from his FedEx boss stating that the company is buying all the drivers new shoes. Kristen has outgrown almost all of her clothes. As I picked up some things at a thrift store yesterday, I prayed for the need to be supplied. Today, I found cash at the bottom of my purse that I know I did not have before!! Can I just take a moment to praise God for so many countless friends and family who have given us financial gifts through these hard times?!!!! We would have never made it without all of you!
When I reflect on the last seven months, all of our needs are met. All of our bills are current with the exception of our rent, and we have some amazing landlords who just help us out so much!! (Love my in-laws beyond words!) We have no idea how next week will be taken care of, but today, all is fine!! This has been my new mindset. I don't know why it took me seven months to get to this point, but that is what the quote at the beginning is all about!! The work that is accomplished on my character is just as important as God providing permanent employment for Paul. Oh, how I long for our lives to "normalize" again, but the growth happening during this waiting process is also so very priceless!
