"As important as the answer for which we wait is the work God does while we wait."
A dear friend posted this quote on her Facebook page a couple of months ago. It was one of those things that hit me right between the eyes and has stayed there. This blog post has been forming in my mind for several weeks now, so bear with me as I attempt to get the jumbled thoughts out.
This "desert" time that Paul and I are in just seems to be going on...forever!!! It has been seven months since he lost his job, about five and a half months since my dad and grandfather passed away, and three months since my hand surgery. I used to tell myself that I have gone through far worse times. Suck it up, girl! After all, I survived being a full time working single mom of four children under the age of seven! I lived for over two years averaging 8 hours of sleep per weekend. What could be harder than that??
Grief. Grief is harder than being a single mom! Paul and I have suffered many losses in the last 7 months. I lost my dad and grandpa, and that is a huge grief to work through. I never really knew just how monumental the death of a parent really is in your life. The grief comes in waves. I am ok for a time, then way not! I recently went through a few weeks of horrible nightmares where I would wake up completely reliving the final horrible hours of dad's life. It was so real. The mind is an amazing thing!! The sounds were deafening, the smells sickening. I could clearly see all the monitors and his vital sign numbers plummeting I could clearly read his EKG monitor reading "unknown heart rhythm." The way dad felt to my touch. The moment he died. The way he looked after he died. I relived conversations with the medical team. All of this would happen in my dreams. I would startle awake and be left staring in the darkness. Then the guilt set in. Guilt of not fighting hard enough to make his passing easier on him. Guilt for not trying harder to have a deeper relationship with him. Guilt for not making a better effort to visit him through the years or that my children really did not know him other than to recognize his picture. Guilt over not caring enough about his military career while he was alive to find out details. He is gone forever, and time can never be recovered. My heart was just. so. sad! Then, a couple of weeks ago, the dam broke. The tears came hard and long. I don't think I have cried that hard since the day I got divorced. A few days later, I was able to talk to a friend that lost her husband last year, and the real healing began. She ever so gently brought my thinking back into balance. The guilt began to fade and I have not had any more nightmares since then! I can't say that I will not still have bad days. I did just yesterday. I walked by a table and saw dad's military medals in a basket. I instantly began to tear up and just held them for a few minutes.
The loss of my dad is only one grief that we have endured. The title of this post is about the work of waiting! Our life right now has been such a state of holding, treading water to keep our heads afloat. When Paul lost his job, it was devastating One of the things my friend told me about grieving my dad is that it is ok to grieve. I know that seems a silly thing, but in my brain, to grieve over a loss is to question God's authority. After all, God has a perfect plan for our lives, and who am I to question His hand?? Oh, how wrong that thinking is!!!
I started to translate this grief process to the other losses in our life. I allowed the tears to come, I mean really come. I poured out my heart to God about how great our needs are right now. The two "big" financial resources that we have depended on these last seven months are gone. The big picture seems so bleak. By all human logic, we are doomed. However, it seems everywhere I turn, I keep running into a "thankfulness" theme. So I have been making a huge effort to be thankful and to NOT worry about tomorrow!!! I began really reflecting on all the small blessings that have happened through the last few months. I also began praying for specific needs that we have, not just "Please give Paul a job and help us and meet our many needs." I was looking at the big picture. That is so bleak. But when I took the time to examine the details of our life, there are rays of sunshine everywhere!!! We came home from the winter retreat to a card from some friends back in IL. They had included a financial gift. Paul needed work shoes desperately. I prayed specifically about this need. Two days later, he got an email from his FedEx boss stating that the company is buying all the drivers new shoes. Kristen has outgrown almost all of her clothes. As I picked up some things at a thrift store yesterday, I prayed for the need to be supplied. Today, I found cash at the bottom of my purse that I know I did not have before!! Can I just take a moment to praise God for so many countless friends and family who have given us financial gifts through these hard times?!!!! We would have never made it without all of you!
When I reflect on the last seven months, all of our needs are met. All of our bills are current with the exception of our rent, and we have some amazing landlords who just help us out so much!! (Love my in-laws beyond words!) We have no idea how next week will be taken care of, but today, all is fine!! This has been my new mindset. I don't know why it took me seven months to get to this point, but that is what the quote at the beginning is all about!! The work that is accomplished on my character is just as important as God providing permanent employment for Paul. Oh, how I long for our lives to "normalize" again, but the growth happening during this waiting process is also so very priceless!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Sorrowful, yet Content
My Judson comes to me in tears many times grabbing his legs in pain. The dr. tells us that his bones are growing faster than the muscles are stretching, thus causing pain. "Growing pains" hurt! This has been a huge "growing" week for me. For a multitude or reasons, last week was just one. tough. week. We were battling sickness. I was sleep deprived from being up with the youngest kiddos at night. I am just tired of being one-handed. There seems to be no end to the joblessness that is plagueing my husband. I woke up one night with the vividness of my dad's death filling my dreams.... sounds, smells, memories so powerful that I sat blinking in the darkness trying to orient my mind that I was at home in my bed not sitting in a hospital room. And the list goes on! I could feel a sense of hoplessness creeping in my heart and it seemed no matter how many verses I read, how many songs I sang to myself, I just could not shake the sadness in my heart. Oh, it would help for a bit. I know God will provide our needs. He has proven it time and time again!! It is not so much that I struggled with knowing God will meet our needs, it is just we have gone through SO MUCH in such a short amount of time! My heart is full of so much grief!
I found myself clinging to the verses in Isaiah 57:15-19, but especially 15-16: "For this is what the high and lofty One says-He who lives forever, whose name is holy, 'I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for the spirit of man would grow faint before me..." A demon that I face over and over is thinking that bad things happen in my life because I have done some kind of wrong. Yes, there are consequences for our sin, but not all bad things that happen are because of this. When you are in the midst of deep trials, it is hard to know why sometimes. I often hear it said "the darkest night is just before the dawn." When is our "dawn" going to come?? I prayed one morning this week for God to please just give me one thing of hope to hold on to. It did not happen. In fact, several things happened that day that seemed to be just the opposite of hope for a bright future!!! Even the dumbest of little things like my favorite chocolate almonds were discontinued at the store!!! I cried to my husband that night, "I know God will meet our needs and that he loves us, but does he have to strip away every comfort, even down to my favorite chocolates??" This sadness, this deep discouragement seemed to seep further and further into my heart. I battled the thoughts of I am sinning because I am so sad. I berated myself to "be content with what you have." I had been meditating on Col. 3 and got hung up on verse 15, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart...and be thankful!" I struggled how to deal with all the grief and sorrow but still be thankful. The two do not seem to go together! I struggled deeply with grief over lost time with my dad. I should have called more, wrote more, sent more pictures...now he is gone forever. I sought comfort in reading his facebook wall and the few notes we passed back and forth on there.
And then, just like the love and very nature of God, I read a blog from a former college friend. It touched my heart and gave me the smack upside the head I needed. "God's gift of adversity." He referenced the life of Job. "Instead of declaring that some good MUST come out of the pain that he endures....he simply acknowledged that goodness and adversity both come from God." "You see, it is not simply that God ALLOWS his children to endure great difficulties in this life, but Job rightly understood that the adversity he faced was due to God's direct involvement in his life. We must recognize that God's favor does not come simply because we are obedient, nor do trials only accompany sinfulness."
These thoughts were so great, but even more of a comfort to my soul, were the comments that followed from other readers. One response talked of "sorrow but contentment." I had never thought of this, and it seems so contradictory. I asked for a further explanation. The response was heaven sent! "When a believer suffers, for whatever the reason, sometimes it brings about sorrow and grief. It is not wrong to feel sorrow, and yet in the midst of that sorrow, we may find that the Lord gives us strength."
My family has endured much loss over the last six months; some physical, some emotional. I can be sorrowful over these losses. I can grieve. But I can also be content. I do not have to fully understand why. (This is really hard for me!!) I can accept that both good and bad come from God.
The words of this old hymn are so powerful!
"He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater. He sendeth more strength when the labors increase. To added affliction, he addeth his mercy; to multiplied trials, his multiplied peace!"
I found myself clinging to the verses in Isaiah 57:15-19, but especially 15-16: "For this is what the high and lofty One says-He who lives forever, whose name is holy, 'I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for the spirit of man would grow faint before me..." A demon that I face over and over is thinking that bad things happen in my life because I have done some kind of wrong. Yes, there are consequences for our sin, but not all bad things that happen are because of this. When you are in the midst of deep trials, it is hard to know why sometimes. I often hear it said "the darkest night is just before the dawn." When is our "dawn" going to come?? I prayed one morning this week for God to please just give me one thing of hope to hold on to. It did not happen. In fact, several things happened that day that seemed to be just the opposite of hope for a bright future!!! Even the dumbest of little things like my favorite chocolate almonds were discontinued at the store!!! I cried to my husband that night, "I know God will meet our needs and that he loves us, but does he have to strip away every comfort, even down to my favorite chocolates??" This sadness, this deep discouragement seemed to seep further and further into my heart. I battled the thoughts of I am sinning because I am so sad. I berated myself to "be content with what you have." I had been meditating on Col. 3 and got hung up on verse 15, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart...and be thankful!" I struggled how to deal with all the grief and sorrow but still be thankful. The two do not seem to go together! I struggled deeply with grief over lost time with my dad. I should have called more, wrote more, sent more pictures...now he is gone forever. I sought comfort in reading his facebook wall and the few notes we passed back and forth on there.
And then, just like the love and very nature of God, I read a blog from a former college friend. It touched my heart and gave me the smack upside the head I needed. "God's gift of adversity." He referenced the life of Job. "Instead of declaring that some good MUST come out of the pain that he endures....he simply acknowledged that goodness and adversity both come from God." "You see, it is not simply that God ALLOWS his children to endure great difficulties in this life, but Job rightly understood that the adversity he faced was due to God's direct involvement in his life. We must recognize that God's favor does not come simply because we are obedient, nor do trials only accompany sinfulness."
These thoughts were so great, but even more of a comfort to my soul, were the comments that followed from other readers. One response talked of "sorrow but contentment." I had never thought of this, and it seems so contradictory. I asked for a further explanation. The response was heaven sent! "When a believer suffers, for whatever the reason, sometimes it brings about sorrow and grief. It is not wrong to feel sorrow, and yet in the midst of that sorrow, we may find that the Lord gives us strength."
My family has endured much loss over the last six months; some physical, some emotional. I can be sorrowful over these losses. I can grieve. But I can also be content. I do not have to fully understand why. (This is really hard for me!!) I can accept that both good and bad come from God.
The words of this old hymn are so powerful!
"He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater. He sendeth more strength when the labors increase. To added affliction, he addeth his mercy; to multiplied trials, his multiplied peace!"
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow
Yesterday began a new year. A friend posted a simple facebook status: "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow." This is one line from the great hymn "Great is Thy faithfulness." I have sung that song probably thousands of times, but seeing just that one line made it just jump out at me!! I hesitate to write this blog post here, because I wanted this blog to be purely an encouragement site. I do not wish to "air my dirty laundry," but if you will allow me to be very transparent and personal, I do hope that my story will encourage someone along the way!
Barely 24 hours ago, I sat on my bed, sobbing. Most of you probably know that my husband lost his job about four months ago. He had a temp job for the Christmas season, but that ended last week. I also had hand surgery about a month ago. Two days after my surgery I found out my ex-husband also lost his job, therefore ending my child support income indefinitely. Had I found this out before my surgery, I would have cancelled it, asked the dr. for more pain meds, and just worked through the torn tendons! But it did not happen that way. My husband came to me last night with the news that we only had enough money to last us through the middle of Jan. There would be nothing left to cover any expenses for the end of the month or beyond. I sat sobbing in pure helpless hopelessness. I am pretty much a one armed cripple right now. I can not even button my clothes without help!! There is nothing that I can do to change our situation. He can, and has, put out countless job resumes, but as of yet, nothing has come of them. I have so many times thought of the story of Job. He served the Lord with all his heart, and yet God allowed ALL to be taken away from him. Except his life. Last night, I wondered what more can God take away from us?? God promises to always meet our genuine needs. I guess we do not NEED cars, cell phones, internet, or tv to survive. I resigned that these things might be going away soon. As Paul and I prayed together and pleaded with God to meet the needs of our family, I just felt so hopeless. I know I shouldn't think like this, that I should be way beyond these thoughts, but I just couldn't help the thoughts of "the Bible says 'You have not because you ask not'...we've been asking for months now...why isn't God answering?? Oh, how I know I am really showing my humanness!! I am ashamed at my pure lack of faith!!
We got up this morning and hit the ground with a list of things to do to maybe relieve the financial stress. We hit road block after road block! The hopelessness got almost unbearable. We collapsed into the recliner in our room and did the only thing we could... cling to each other and pray. And then the breakthrough came! Within a few hours, manna from heaven started to fall. Our hugest expense, heat fuel, was covered for two months by an assistance program we applied for back in Oct. Paul also connected finally with a restaurant he has been playing tag with for weeks now. He starts tomorrow. It is only part time, he is way over-qualified for the job, and the pay is less than half of what he used to make, but it is something. It will slow up the hemorrhage of our bank account. Barely an hour later, I received an email from a friend offering a gift. We have had several of these over the months, and I am always at a loss for words. I know it is a sacrifice for these people! I pray that someday we will be able to help others the way so many have helped us! Another huge point of stress over the last few weeks has been the funeral expense of my dad's death. Without baring all the ridiculous details, it has become clear to us that we will have to share in the huge burden of the funeral expense. Some things happened today, that gives us huge hope that maybe the life insurance policy will be valid after all! No, it is not fully resolved, but today we have hope when yesterday there seemed to be none!
I give all these very personal and human details about my day to bring things back to the title of this post.... "strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow." I got up today feeling so hopeless. I know it is not about how I feel. I know I need to trust in God. I know that He has never failed me before; He has seen my family through some very dark times!! But sometimes, in the midst of the deep darkness and grief, it just seems so hopeless!!! It seems there is no end to this dark tunnel. Thank You, God, for giving me hope today! For looking beyond my lack of faith and blessing my family anyway! I came upon Ex. 3:7-8 in my reading tonight: "Then the Lord said, 'I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings and I have come down to deliver them..."
Oh, how thankful I am that "His mercies are new every morning." I need that!
Barely 24 hours ago, I sat on my bed, sobbing. Most of you probably know that my husband lost his job about four months ago. He had a temp job for the Christmas season, but that ended last week. I also had hand surgery about a month ago. Two days after my surgery I found out my ex-husband also lost his job, therefore ending my child support income indefinitely. Had I found this out before my surgery, I would have cancelled it, asked the dr. for more pain meds, and just worked through the torn tendons! But it did not happen that way. My husband came to me last night with the news that we only had enough money to last us through the middle of Jan. There would be nothing left to cover any expenses for the end of the month or beyond. I sat sobbing in pure helpless hopelessness. I am pretty much a one armed cripple right now. I can not even button my clothes without help!! There is nothing that I can do to change our situation. He can, and has, put out countless job resumes, but as of yet, nothing has come of them. I have so many times thought of the story of Job. He served the Lord with all his heart, and yet God allowed ALL to be taken away from him. Except his life. Last night, I wondered what more can God take away from us?? God promises to always meet our genuine needs. I guess we do not NEED cars, cell phones, internet, or tv to survive. I resigned that these things might be going away soon. As Paul and I prayed together and pleaded with God to meet the needs of our family, I just felt so hopeless. I know I shouldn't think like this, that I should be way beyond these thoughts, but I just couldn't help the thoughts of "the Bible says 'You have not because you ask not'...we've been asking for months now...why isn't God answering?? Oh, how I know I am really showing my humanness!! I am ashamed at my pure lack of faith!!
We got up this morning and hit the ground with a list of things to do to maybe relieve the financial stress. We hit road block after road block! The hopelessness got almost unbearable. We collapsed into the recliner in our room and did the only thing we could... cling to each other and pray. And then the breakthrough came! Within a few hours, manna from heaven started to fall. Our hugest expense, heat fuel, was covered for two months by an assistance program we applied for back in Oct. Paul also connected finally with a restaurant he has been playing tag with for weeks now. He starts tomorrow. It is only part time, he is way over-qualified for the job, and the pay is less than half of what he used to make, but it is something. It will slow up the hemorrhage of our bank account. Barely an hour later, I received an email from a friend offering a gift. We have had several of these over the months, and I am always at a loss for words. I know it is a sacrifice for these people! I pray that someday we will be able to help others the way so many have helped us! Another huge point of stress over the last few weeks has been the funeral expense of my dad's death. Without baring all the ridiculous details, it has become clear to us that we will have to share in the huge burden of the funeral expense. Some things happened today, that gives us huge hope that maybe the life insurance policy will be valid after all! No, it is not fully resolved, but today we have hope when yesterday there seemed to be none!
I give all these very personal and human details about my day to bring things back to the title of this post.... "strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow." I got up today feeling so hopeless. I know it is not about how I feel. I know I need to trust in God. I know that He has never failed me before; He has seen my family through some very dark times!! But sometimes, in the midst of the deep darkness and grief, it just seems so hopeless!!! It seems there is no end to this dark tunnel. Thank You, God, for giving me hope today! For looking beyond my lack of faith and blessing my family anyway! I came upon Ex. 3:7-8 in my reading tonight: "Then the Lord said, 'I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings and I have come down to deliver them..."
Oh, how thankful I am that "His mercies are new every morning." I need that!
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