My Judson comes to me in tears many times grabbing his legs in pain. The dr. tells us that his bones are growing faster than the muscles are stretching, thus causing pain. "Growing pains" hurt! This has been a huge "growing" week for me. For a multitude or reasons, last week was just one. tough. week. We were battling sickness. I was sleep deprived from being up with the youngest kiddos at night. I am just tired of being one-handed. There seems to be no end to the joblessness that is plagueing my husband. I woke up one night with the vividness of my dad's death filling my dreams.... sounds, smells, memories so powerful that I sat blinking in the darkness trying to orient my mind that I was at home in my bed not sitting in a hospital room. And the list goes on! I could feel a sense of hoplessness creeping in my heart and it seemed no matter how many verses I read, how many songs I sang to myself, I just could not shake the sadness in my heart. Oh, it would help for a bit. I know God will provide our needs. He has proven it time and time again!! It is not so much that I struggled with knowing God will meet our needs, it is just we have gone through SO MUCH in such a short amount of time! My heart is full of so much grief!
I found myself clinging to the verses in Isaiah 57:15-19, but especially 15-16: "For this is what the high and lofty One says-He who lives forever, whose name is holy, 'I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for the spirit of man would grow faint before me..." A demon that I face over and over is thinking that bad things happen in my life because I have done some kind of wrong. Yes, there are consequences for our sin, but not all bad things that happen are because of this. When you are in the midst of deep trials, it is hard to know why sometimes. I often hear it said "the darkest night is just before the dawn." When is our "dawn" going to come?? I prayed one morning this week for God to please just give me one thing of hope to hold on to. It did not happen. In fact, several things happened that day that seemed to be just the opposite of hope for a bright future!!! Even the dumbest of little things like my favorite chocolate almonds were discontinued at the store!!! I cried to my husband that night, "I know God will meet our needs and that he loves us, but does he have to strip away every comfort, even down to my favorite chocolates??" This sadness, this deep discouragement seemed to seep further and further into my heart. I battled the thoughts of I am sinning because I am so sad. I berated myself to "be content with what you have." I had been meditating on Col. 3 and got hung up on verse 15, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart...and be thankful!" I struggled how to deal with all the grief and sorrow but still be thankful. The two do not seem to go together! I struggled deeply with grief over lost time with my dad. I should have called more, wrote more, sent more pictures...now he is gone forever. I sought comfort in reading his facebook wall and the few notes we passed back and forth on there.
And then, just like the love and very nature of God, I read a blog from a former college friend. It touched my heart and gave me the smack upside the head I needed. "God's gift of adversity." He referenced the life of Job. "Instead of declaring that some good MUST come out of the pain that he endures....he simply acknowledged that goodness and adversity both come from God." "You see, it is not simply that God ALLOWS his children to endure great difficulties in this life, but Job rightly understood that the adversity he faced was due to God's direct involvement in his life. We must recognize that God's favor does not come simply because we are obedient, nor do trials only accompany sinfulness."
These thoughts were so great, but even more of a comfort to my soul, were the comments that followed from other readers. One response talked of "sorrow but contentment." I had never thought of this, and it seems so contradictory. I asked for a further explanation. The response was heaven sent! "When a believer suffers, for whatever the reason, sometimes it brings about sorrow and grief. It is not wrong to feel sorrow, and yet in the midst of that sorrow, we may find that the Lord gives us strength."
My family has endured much loss over the last six months; some physical, some emotional. I can be sorrowful over these losses. I can grieve. But I can also be content. I do not have to fully understand why. (This is really hard for me!!) I can accept that both good and bad come from God.
The words of this old hymn are so powerful!
"He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater. He sendeth more strength when the labors increase. To added affliction, he addeth his mercy; to multiplied trials, his multiplied peace!"
speech less....
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